if I told you what I've become
by ShirouHokuto
Summary: Some crimes Sasuke was never charged with. T for references to body horror, mutilation, and the aftermath of violence; post-canon, a slight hint of Naruto/Sasuke.


**Author's Note: **_Written (a bit last-minute) as a treat for Mahayana, as part of the Naruto Fic Festival 2014 edition._

* * *

**if I told you what I've become**

Some things Naruto was never going to understand, and so Sasuke had no intention of bringing them up or even thinking about them ever again. It should have been that simple.

It was that simple until Naruto took a dirty kunai to the arm and Sakura insisted on cleaning it after they were safe, scolding him just like the old days - "Kyuubi or no Kyuubi, that thing was filthy, let me see it" - while the smell of blood mingled with disinfectant rose into the air, and Sasuke shuddered once. A single slight shiver, and then he turned and leaped to the other side of the stream they'd settled next to.

Of course Naruto couldn't just leave him alone. Naruto had been constitutionally incapable of leaving Sasuke alone since before they'd known each other's names. When Sakura had finished her fussing Naruto jumped over the stream immediately, knocking his elbow against Sasuke's side playfully. "What's the matter, huh?" he said. "Oh man, you're not like, all squeamish now or something, are you?" He squashed his nose against Sasuke's and squinted at him. "Or maybe you're getting that flu that's going around, 'cause I know you -"

"Shut up and get out of my face, idiot!" Clear dusky sky above him and the rushing of the stream in his ears and a clean evening breeze blowing around him and all he could smell was the blood and that damn disinfectant, the universal brand for licensed medical nin and scientifically minded traitors alike.

(The arena is still being cleaned when he arrives; he walks in and his foot kicks against a shattered arm trailing sinews and buzzing with flies that a sour-faced civilian chases off with a reeking, red-stained mop.)

(He goes to the wrong laboratory at first, still learning his way around Orochimaru's mazes. Someone inside is crying, but it's not the thing on the table with bones blooming out of its chest and muscles they have to be the muscles it can't be anything but muscles it's not the muscles bubbling under the skin. It can't be that thing because its eyes are on the table too and the flesh that should be holding them in their sockets looks like globs of putty that fell out of place.)

(The right laboratory, the wrong time. Orochimaru is still preparing his anatomy lesson. The lungs have not been properly spread out yet and the chest cavity has not been fully cleaned.)

He had been pardoned for his crimes when he returned to Konoha. He had been pardoned for leaving the village in the first place. Pardoned for collaborating with known enemies and traitors. He had been pardoned for killing Danzo, the one crime for which he could never bring himself to feel guilt, except that he had hurt Karin to do it. Pardoned for attacking the Kages. Pardoned for so many things the word had stopped sounding like a word.

Some crimes no one had known they should lay at his feet.

(He turns his back on the arena and walks away and throws up in a bathroom half-destroyed by rust.)

(He closes the door and walks away from the red-haired girl in scrubs who sobs as she washes her hands.)

(He leaves the room so that Orochimaru can finish his work.)

(But the _smell_...)

"Whoa, earth to Sasuke, earth to Sasuke!" Naruto waved a hand in front of his face. "Heads-up, if you don't snap out of it I'm gonna have to punch you, okay?"

Sasuke's fists clenched for a moment, eager for the distraction of a fight, but instead of a punch Naruto leaned in close again and their forehead protectors clicked against each other. That was another kind of distraction; Sasuke grabbed his shirt and breathed in. Naruto smelled like layers of sweat, grass stains, ramen breath, and musty laundry - thick, dirty, unhygienic, unpleasant, but a smell rooted in the present, in this evening and no other time and nothing else. He took another deep breath, breathed out, and Naruto jumped.

"You need a shower, dumbass," Sasuke said, then shoved Naruto away and went to join Sakura on the other side of the stream.

"Seriously, what is your _problem_?" Naruto said, but he was grinning when he jumped back over and never gave Sasuke a chance to answer, too busy rambling about the mission.


End file.
